Pretending
by Mustard Yellow Sunshine
Summary: A one-shot in Kagome's POV once the Shikon Jewel is completed. Kind of depressing, but please don't kill me! Read&Review!


It was another bright sunny day in Kaede's village. There was a slight breeze blowing through the air, caressing the grass and the leaves in the trees.  
  
The people of the village were out and about. They all had smiles on their faces and were ready and willing to laugh.  
  
Why? It's simple really. Naraku had been defeated, and the Shikon Jewel was now complete. Inuyasha had finally avenged Kikyo, Miroku's right hand no longer held the accursed wind tunnel in it, and Sango was able to put Kohaku to rest. It had been hard for her, but it helped her to know that Kohaku was no longer Naraku's slave.  
  
So everyone was happy, everyone had gotten what they wanted. Right? Wrong. Yes, I was happy that Naraku had been defeated, and that Miroku's hand was healed. I was happy that Kohaku was no longer a slave to Naraku. I was happy the jewel was complete. I was even happy that Kikyo had been avenged. But the whole situation was kind of bitter sweet. Though I was happy about these things, there were a few things I was not happy about.  
  
Like how Kikyo accompanied us to the village after our final battle with Naraku was over, or how she's now staying here indefinitely. I'm not happy that Inuyasha chose Kikyo over me, or that he intends to use the jewel to give Kikyo a real soul so she'll truly be alive again.  
  
But, as strange as this sounds, though I am unhappy that Inuyasha chose Kikyo, I am happy that he's happy. I know he is. I can tell by the way he looks at Kikyo everyday, by the way he holds her hand as they walk through the village together, by the way he's so gentle with her.  
  
Even though it pains me to see them together, even though it breaks my heart into pieces knowing I'm not the one he wants to be with, I'm glad that he's happy. Because that's all I really want. Why? It's simple really. Because I love him. I've loved him for a long time. And I've known all along that he loved Kikyo, always would love Kikyo, but I stayed with him because I wanted to be there for him as a friend. Even if that meant feeling my heart shatter every day I was with him, feeling the pain of love not returned.  
  
It also hurts, because I'm leaving today. I'll leave the Warring States era through the well for the final time tonight. So although it's a bright sunny day, I feel cold inside. It hurts to know that I'll never get to watch Shippo mature and grow. It hurts to know that I'll never get to see Miroku's lecherous antics, or see Sango pummel him into the ground because of them. But most of all it hurts to know that I'll never see Inuyasha again. Never again get to see him laugh, or hear him growl, never get to "sit" him again.  
  
It's not like anybody knows I'm in pain though. Because I don't let them know. I don't let Inuyasha, Miroku, Shippo, Kaede, or even Sango see my suffering. Because every day, every single day, I hide it. I pretend. I pretend like the pain isn't there. I pretend everything's okay and that I'm happy, just like everyone else. Every morning when I wake up, I put on my fake smile that no one seems to see through, I put on my cheery façade so that no one will no how much I'm really hurting.  
  
Why? Why do I hide it? Why do hide the pain? Because I don't feel I have the right to tell anyone. If I tell them how I'm really feeling, it would only make them feel bad, and I don't want that. They're all so happy. I don't want to ruin that. They've all had to suffer so long because of Naraku and the Shikon Jewel. Their suffering was so great, what right do I have to complain, now that they're all finally happy?  
  
Yes, everyone's happy. Sango and Miroku finally confessed their feelings for one another after the final battle with Naraku. Their going to get married in just a few months. It pains me to know I won't get to be there for their wedding. But I don't tell them that. I smile and laugh and chat with Sango about what a beautiful bride she'll make. I tease Miroku about how he won't be able to grope girls or use his line, "Will you bear my child?" anymore. I pretend.  
  
Shippo's happy too. He says that with the way Sango and Miroku are acting around each other now, it's the closest thing he's ever had to his parents. I don't let him see how much that hurts me. I don't let him know I feel replaced, betrayed almost. I remember when he used to think of me as his mother. Now that time is over. But I hide these feelings as well. I smile and nod at him. I laugh with him when Inuyasha teases Sango and Miroku about their upcoming wedding. I pretend.  
  
I think it's needless to say that Inuyasha's happy. He defeated Naraku, and he finally has Kikyo back. The two are always together now. They'll go off somewhere by themselves, and we won't see them again until sundown. They'll laugh together, hold hands, kiss. Yes, I've seen them kiss. They don't try to hide their love. But I do try to hide my pain. I don't let Inuyasha see my heart breaking into a million tiny pieces when I see them together. I smile and I talk with Inuyasha. I help Kikyo collect herbs or play with the children of the village. I pretend.  
  
There are times when it gets really hard to pretend. There have been times when I woke up in the morning and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. There have been times when I would go to bed at night and pray that I would never wake up again. But I would force myself to get up, and once again put on my mask of happiness.  
  
As I said before, it's a bitter sweet situation. Even though I know I'll miss everyone with all my heart, there's a part of me that can't wait to jump down the well and never return. Never have to be envious of Sango and Miroku's happiness. Never have to see Inuyasha and Kikyo together again. When I'm home, I'll finally be able to let down the mask, and do what I've been wanting to do ever since we defeated Naraku. Cry. I can cry all I want at home. It won't matter if anybody sees me there. I'll finally have nothing left to hide. I won't have to pretend anymore.  
  
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A/N (sniff, sniff) Aw, now I've made myself sad. Even though I'm an Inu/Kag fan all the way, I just had to try my hand at an angsty fic. So, what'd you think? Be honest, and please, please, please review! Oh yeah, I forgot to put my disclaimer at the top, and even though I'd prefer not having to do it, I don't want to get sued, so here it is. Disclaimer- I do not own Inuyasha, or any of the other characters mentioned in this fic no matter how much I wish I did. (author breaks down into hysterical sobbing) There! Are you happy now! (more sobs) 


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